|so this is what i'm doing with my life
||[Feb. 17th, 2006|01:14 pm]
i have a bio lab exam and a bio lecture exam next week. have i done any studying today? no. do i have a ton of tissue slides to study? yes. will i fail? well, i probably shouldn't jinx myself, but i don't think i will. just because i study this stuff everyday. yes, i procrastinate, but i'm also fascinated with the stuff. i also have an unhealthy obsession with getting every answer right especially since i marred my 100% for quizes in lab by getting a 95% on the last one. it isn'tso much that i got one wrong. it's that the question was so easy and i just didn't bother to look over my stuff. carelessness is worse than not knowing.
anyway it's come to my attention that probably nobody knows what i'm in school for or what it is that i'd like to accomplish. now, i'm somewhat apprehensive about discussing the whole thing on lj, because i'm sure people think i'm a crack head with no direction. i mean i got my BA in English with a minor in Spanish and was going planning on getting my MFA in acting. that was mainly because the prospects of not being a student after having been one for 17 years was petrifying and i just wanted to get into some program and continue in the shelters of pedagogy. that being said, i do enjoy acting, but i don't think the MFA direction would have been optimal for me nor do i honestly feel like focusing on acting right now. but someday i may.
then came law school which was total bullshit, because it was all my father.
then i traveled. and traveled. and traveled. and loved it. and i'd like to just continue traveling, but my health insurance coverage under my parents is up and i'm paying riduculous amounts out of pocket for health insurance.
anyway in chile i actually taught a few english classes. i by no means want take up teaching english as a foreign language as a career. however, i did enjoy it and i think my students enjoyed having me as their teacher. i'm actually quite entertaining in the classroom. so currently i substitute teach. well it's more like i'm certified to substitute teach but i never work because my class schedule doesn't allow me to. i tutor quite a bit though: writing skills, esl, and beginner spanish, spelling...ok, i'm kidding about the spelling part. anyway, sometimes it scares me that i have a hand in one's education. i truly worry that i'll seriously fuck someone up along the way.
i'm not waitressing. i should though. i need the extra money. but it's hard to think about going back to that. i had major anxiety problems while working at TGI's.
anyway, you're probably wondering why i'm taking bio classes. well, i'm going to apply to accelerated 2nd degree BSN/MSN programs over the fall. first, i have to take a bunch of science prerequisites which i'm taking at community college. notice i'm not saying "i'm doing this because i want to be a nurse." i mean, yeah, i'll be one, but what has always made me uncomfortable is the thought that i should be in school to be someone or something. and that that's what you do when you're an adult. you have to have a straight forward answer to the "what are you?" or "what do you do?" question. in college and shortly after i had this anxiety that i thought would pass as soon as i just chose what i wanted to be. as soon as i chose it and was on the way to being it i'd have an answer to the question that everyone asks. i could say "i'm a lawyer" or "i'm a professional actress" (a poor one probably that can't afford diabetes supplies but at least i'd have an answer for the question.)
so i came to the decision to go to school for my BSN/MSN because basically having diabetes pisses me off. more often than not i don't like the way care is administered. and i think there are better ways that health professionals could relate to their patients. i'm not going to school to be a nurse. i'm going to school so i can have a way of working with diabetics and hopefully alleviate some of the stress, anger, guilt and frustration felt by diabetics. i'm not saying this is the hardest disease to put up with. some diabetics might even think i'm overdramatising what it's like to live with diabetes.
once i'm further into things i'd like to explore the prospects of teach a college nursing course. my specific dream is to teach a class that focuses on interactions between patient and health professional and how if this relationship has a level of trust, understanding, and guidance can assist in inspiring a patient to take better care of him or herself. or at least not go away feeling like shit. i don't expect everyone to throw away all their oreos after seeing me. fuck, i wouldn't throw away my oreos. but i do know that negative messages, such as "it's your fault. you're going to die," in my experience (seriously when i was younger i had a doctor say something like that to me) do a lot more harm than good and put patients in jeopardy. if you can't turn to your doctor or nurse practitioner and tell them your worries because you're scared they'll turn them all back on you and make you feel guilty for eating that cookie or drinking that glass of wine who can you ask that will actually know?
in the mean time i'd like to start a type one diabetics social kinda group for those over 18. i'm not exactly sure what it call it. not a support group, but i don't know if social is right either. anyway i think it would be hot. i'd call it shooters and pumpers. thats not a porno title. shooters pertains to the old school method of using syringens and pumpers to those on the pump. anyway, the objective would be to take a positive approach in coping with the frustrations of dealing with this disease in a safe space that fosters discussion of our struggles with others who truly understand without feeling judged or shamed. only problem is that there are probably like 2 people that would come since there probably aren't that many type oners around here.
anyway it took me a while to decide that nursing was the best outlet for what i'd like to accomplish. i was actually thinking health psychologist would better suit me, but while money is by far not everything to me, health insurance is. job placement and availability, salary, and benifits looked kinda grim whereas nursing was looking pretty fucking awesome in those catagories. plus, i can do some work abroad if i ever have the urge, and i most definitely will. one more thing, if one more person tells me "if you're going to be a nurse why not just be a doctor?" i'll kill them.
so there. now you know what i'm up to. also, as you already know everything with me is subject to change.