Log in

here [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2006|11:45 pm]
sleep, my child, sleep. why do i insist on staying up so late? it's only quarter to twelve but provided that i have to be up at 6, it's late. i really need 7 hours to be fully functional. 6 and i'm good but need caffeine every 2-4 hours or so. 5 hours, bottomless cup. 3 or less is no caffeine or i'll end up nervous and jittery. instead i'm just in this zombie state, but i actually end up being quite productive. 4 hours is a judgement call. i prefer 6+ hours or less than 3.

anyway i've realized that i'm online a lot, but i don't really get anything accomplished. it's just my 5 minute breaks between chunks of studying. a lot of my time is spent trying to find something good to listen to, but i should maybe update in lj more or communicate with people or something like that. i don't use im though, and really don't want to.

ok this has been a short and sweet entry, and now i'm going to take the advice of my opening.
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2006|03:59 pm]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |au port, camille]

Every year for the past five years or so my birthday wish has been to have no debilitating diseases or further complications from diabetes. I got tired of that and wanted to wish for something else this year, so what happens. I go to bed at 163, 20 minutes later I feel odd and think, maybe my blood sugars low but I just took it and it was kinda high. It's fucking 49. How can that happen in 20 minutes? Then at 4 am it's 398, then at 6 am I'm waking up shaking and swaying and it's 29. Next year I'm sticking to my old wish. The funny thing is that usually I'm rendered useless for the first half of my day after ups and downs like that. Today I felt like I had more energy than ever. I actually felt really good, unfortunately it'll all probably accelerate my decline and i'll end up with cognitive deterioration and nueropathy. I really shouldn't subject you guys to all this blood sugar babble. I should just give my endocrinologist a direct link to my lj so he can witness the toll this takes on me. He called me today after looking at my blood sugars that I sent him friggin 2 weeks ago and left a message saying "everything seems fine. sorry it took me so long to get back to you. i think we'll keep you doses the same" ha! i gotta fax him todays numbers and all of last weeks so he can see just how great things are going.

Anyway my birthday was really great aside from the media slamming 9/11 propaganda in everyone's face. I celebrated over the weekend and went out to dinner with Anna at a really good vegetarian place and then we got drunk off of 2 glasses of wine each. I have no tolerance for alcohol whatsoever. I used to be able to drink 5 drinks and not feel a thing. Now after two when I get up I have my "don't look drunk, don't stumble" mantra going through my head. Sunday I went with my parent's to Lauren's restaurant to celebrate with them. Loren is moving to Nicaragua till November, so I won't be seeing her for a while. Everyone is friggin leaving. Whether it be Alaska, California, Brasil, or NIcaragua. I wanna go too. waaah.

I don't know what's different about this year, but I've been making all these resolutions like it's friggin new years. I feel like it's the perfect time to absolve some aspects of my life and character that have been leading me to feelings of hopelessness and angst. God, it sounds like I go around depressed all the time. Really it's not that. I go around indifferent. I want to actually care about things.

Ok well, one of my resolutions is to keep it up with working out, so I'm gonna do that and pray that I don't pass out and die from a low blood sugar.
link3 comments|post comment

my life as of late [Sep. 4th, 2006|11:35 am]
i got into a car accident the other day. it was raining and as i was ascending an off ramp i conveniently slid into the barrier. then in an effort to avoid someone turning the sharp corner and running into me, i quickly backed out of my position and backed into the other barrier. ah, yes. it would have been comedic if didn't have to think about the expense and i wasn't shaking uncontrollably. this is my first accident, suffice it to say i hate driving and always have. i just do it because i'm condemned to suburban nj. luckily i didn't get into an accident with another car, and i'm hoping it's only cosmetic and not functional damage that my car has incurred. i'll find that out tomorrow. so on top of medical, school, and transportation expenses i have to add in accident expenses. it just never ends. i'm beyond hopelessness and anger--insouscience is my coping mechanism. it works for me.

i can already tell this semester is going to be unbearable, but in a different way from summer. i was studying like crazy and basically teaching myself chem because my professor was uninformed and incompetant. this semester 2.5 out of 5 professors fall under that catagory--yes, i said 2.5. and i feel like i already know so much of the stuff i'm learning. for example, i have to take intro to psych, because i never took it in undergrad. but all the info aquired from highschool psych, psychoanalytic literary theory, bio, a&p, lit&pschy, independent reading, and other random english classes pretty much cover everything and more than what we're doing. plus, our professor just states all these "facts" and leaves no room for discussion. i want to refute half the shit he says, because i don't purely ascribe to the freudian doctrine or genetics or any of the other things he presents to these impressiable students. this is why we end up with dumb asses in the world. i'm possibly a dumb ass too, but at least i'm an argumentative one that contemplates things more than one should.

teaching is truly and art form and i'm realizing that not many possess it. i've reached a level of intolerance that i didn't have in undergrad. i'm at the point where if you're going to be a crappy teacher you might as well let me sit in the borders or my cafe and do the reading on my own so i don't have to waste 3 hours a week in your class. i had some english professors at rutgers that were insupportable, but at least i could go back home and imitate them. these professors aren't even worth that much.

i can't wait till i'm done with this prerequisite shit and i can officially start my program next fall. hopefully i'll encounter someone with a firm grasp of subject matter who can actually teach it. i love going to class if you can entertain me. that's all i ask. i considered going back to rutgers to take the remainder of my prerequisites, but it's about a third of the price at community college and all the schools i'm applying too suggest that you just save your money and take them at community. the one exception is u penn. they have an amazing nursing program, but i don't even think i'm going to apply there. i don't think i'm competitive enough, because although i have a 4.0 in prerequs i took them at comm. coll and it seems like a lot of there applicants have a BS and possibly MS and studied shit like genetics and human nuerobiology. yeah, there are some BA candidates, but i think i'd rather get into a program finish my BSN in a year in an accelerated program and if i can do a straight transition into the MSN program. or i can always apply to MSN programs, and possibly the U Penn program after I have a little bit more to add to my accomplishments.

so i'm doing volunteer work with type 2 diabetics and hypertensive patients at a community center in elizabeth. i absolutely love it, and it makes me feel so at peace with the decisions i've made in regards to my education. the free time i have from school--since i'm hardly doing anything in my classes-- is spent researching everything about my clients meds, their nutritional needs, and manipulating some of their recipes into something healthier, yet still appealing. so many of their doctors expect them to completely change their food choices without taking into consideration that there are ethnic, cultural, economical, religious, etc. factors that influence their food choices. my title is nutritionist and health counselor and everyone knows i'm not a registered dietician or nurse, but after talking to them and spending the day there and just jumping in and assisting and advising people they gave me the position. it worked out really well, and although i feel a little on edge that a nun runs some of the programs i'm dealing with it. two years of catholic school prepared me for their antics...actualy not all of them are that bad.

one professor who is going to write me a letter of recommendation is pissing me off. he thinks i'm wasting my time persuing a MSN and certification as a diabetes educator and thinks i should apply to med school. while this is flattering it also bothers me that people fail to see the scope of upper level nursing. i want to have an adequate amount of time with my patients and play a significant role in their lives and nursing fosters that relationship more than MD or even DO. or at least that's my perception. i'm going to be doing a bit of hospital volunteer work this semester and if i find that i'm wrong i can always change my mind. i've already taken a few of the courses i need for the MCATs, but i really think nursing is what i want to do. i have to resist the pressure from this professor and my father's family and really focus on what i want. i don't need to go through another experience like the whole LSAT thing. maybe i can just become a professional standardized test taker...LSAT, MCAT, GRE, SAT, blah blah blah.

ok this was a fucking long ass update. i hope i didn't bore anyone and i hope you're commaphobic and love run-ons.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 18th, 2006|04:21 pm]
today i'm ecstatic. of course if my moodswings are consistant i'll be devestated about some detail of my life tomorrow. but for now i may as well bask in today's happenings. i get to coordinate my own program geared toward lower income diabetics and hypertensive patients that recieve medications from a clinic/soup kitchen/community outreach program in elizabeth. i'm going to organize group events such as cooking and educational programs along with individual counseling. the woman i spoke to was really enthusiastic about my involvement and we really hit it off. next friday i get to check the place out and can then better plan my program. i won't start until after labor day so i have a bit of time to prepare and do research on what exactly people have available to them with programs such as WIC.

i've got a lot of other stuff going on as well...or about to go on, but i just realized that i gotta run. i'll update more later.
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Aug. 16th, 2006|10:56 pm]
[mood |frustratedfreaking out]

Fuck! Help me, please. I just copied an email I wrote on IE and then accidentally copied something else and think i lost the email. Is there anything I can do to retrieve previously copied materials? Unfortunately I don't have clipboard or anything like that.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2006|12:51 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |au port, camille]

my tongue is numb which means my blood sugar is low, so i'm eating these disgusting glucose tabs (think the flavour of tums). i used to have more symptoms of hypoglycemia: shaky, hot, and confused (i still get that one). the decrease in symptoms means i don't realize i'm hypoglycemic until my blood sugar is in the 40s sometimes 50s. luckily today i caught myself in the 50s. i went to bed at 63. i only know this because i usually take my bloodsugar before i go to sleep. so, i had some glucose tabs and then woke up at 53. at lunch i was again 53. i can't decipher between langour that's symtomatic of hypoglycemia and that which is just my natural disposition. i can't say i necessarily preferred being high all the time as i was in college. i felt shitty and constantly feared for the state of my long term health. now i can't figure out if i'm frazzled and confused because i'm stupid or because my bloodsugar is making me stupid. is it just going to get worse? i feel like an old lady.

anyway, i was in the midst of revamping my resume when i started feeling low. i have off for the next two weeks before classes begin again and substitute teaching and tutoring resume but i'm thinking i want a change. plus i can't really afford to have two weeks off. i've learned that i'm better off working or taking classes, because i have no self discipline. when i have time off i always think "oh i can get so much accomplished that i haven't had the time to". that just about never happens. i'm better off being someone's "a few dollars more than minimum wage chump". i'll definitely continue tutoring a few hours a week but i don't want to sub.

i'm in love with camille. she's this french singer that rocks. pure genius. check her out.

i'd like to write an lj entry that does not revolve around my every complaint about blood sugars, work, and school.

maybe next time. ok i'm off to finish this resume and marvel at the insignificance of my accomplishments. i hope this is just a passing phase. and i hope this pessimism is just a result of my low blood sugars.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2006|07:50 pm]
i'm really irratated by something i just read in one of my friends lj entries, but i totally shouldn't be. i'm taking it way out of context, and it shouldn't even matter to me at this point in my life. maybe i just need something to be upset about that doesn't involve all the other factors that have recently caused me angst and the resultant oxygen deprivation.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2006|11:07 pm]

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2006|11:01 pm]

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands
linkpost comment

so this is what i'm doing with my life [Feb. 17th, 2006|01:14 pm]
[mood |restlessrestless]

i have a bio lab exam and a bio lecture exam next week. have i done any studying today? no. do i have a ton of tissue slides to study? yes. will i fail? well, i probably shouldn't jinx myself, but i don't think i will. just because i study this stuff everyday. yes, i procrastinate, but i'm also fascinated with the stuff. i also have an unhealthy obsession with getting every answer right especially since i marred my 100% for quizes in lab by getting a 95% on the last one. it isn'tso much that i got one wrong. it's that the question was so easy and i just didn't bother to look over my stuff. carelessness is worse than not knowing.

anyway it's come to my attention that probably nobody knows what i'm in school for or what it is that i'd like to accomplish. now, i'm somewhat apprehensive about discussing the whole thing on lj, because i'm sure people think i'm a crack head with no direction. i mean i got my BA in English with a minor in Spanish and was going planning on getting my MFA in acting. that was mainly because the prospects of not being a student after having been one for 17 years was petrifying and i just wanted to get into some program and continue in the shelters of pedagogy. that being said, i do enjoy acting, but i don't think the MFA direction would have been optimal for me nor do i honestly feel like focusing on acting right now. but someday i may.

then came law school which was total bullshit, because it was all my father.

then i traveled. and traveled. and traveled. and loved it. and i'd like to just continue traveling, but my health insurance coverage under my parents is up and i'm paying riduculous amounts out of pocket for health insurance.

anyway in chile i actually taught a few english classes. i by no means want take up teaching english as a foreign language as a career. however, i did enjoy it and i think my students enjoyed having me as their teacher. i'm actually quite entertaining in the classroom. so currently i substitute teach. well it's more like i'm certified to substitute teach but i never work because my class schedule doesn't allow me to. i tutor quite a bit though: writing skills, esl, and beginner spanish, spelling...ok, i'm kidding about the spelling part. anyway, sometimes it scares me that i have a hand in one's education. i truly worry that i'll seriously fuck someone up along the way.

i'm not waitressing. i should though. i need the extra money. but it's hard to think about going back to that. i had major anxiety problems while working at TGI's.

anyway, you're probably wondering why i'm taking bio classes. well, i'm going to apply to accelerated 2nd degree BSN/MSN programs over the fall. first, i have to take a bunch of science prerequisites which i'm taking at community college. notice i'm not saying "i'm doing this because i want to be a nurse." i mean, yeah, i'll be one, but what has always made me uncomfortable is the thought that i should be in school to be someone or something. and that that's what you do when you're an adult. you have to have a straight forward answer to the "what are you?" or "what do you do?" question. in college and shortly after i had this anxiety that i thought would pass as soon as i just chose what i wanted to be. as soon as i chose it and was on the way to being it i'd have an answer to the question that everyone asks. i could say "i'm a lawyer" or "i'm a professional actress" (a poor one probably that can't afford diabetes supplies but at least i'd have an answer for the question.)

so i came to the decision to go to school for my BSN/MSN because basically having diabetes pisses me off. more often than not i don't like the way care is administered. and i think there are better ways that health professionals could relate to their patients. i'm not going to school to be a nurse. i'm going to school so i can have a way of working with diabetics and hopefully alleviate some of the stress, anger, guilt and frustration felt by diabetics. i'm not saying this is the hardest disease to put up with. some diabetics might even think i'm overdramatising what it's like to live with diabetes.

once i'm further into things i'd like to explore the prospects of teach a college nursing course. my specific dream is to teach a class that focuses on interactions between patient and health professional and how if this relationship has a level of trust, understanding, and guidance can assist in inspiring a patient to take better care of him or herself. or at least not go away feeling like shit. i don't expect everyone to throw away all their oreos after seeing me. fuck, i wouldn't throw away my oreos. but i do know that negative messages, such as "it's your fault. you're going to die," in my experience (seriously when i was younger i had a doctor say something like that to me) do a lot more harm than good and put patients in jeopardy. if you can't turn to your doctor or nurse practitioner and tell them your worries because you're scared they'll turn them all back on you and make you feel guilty for eating that cookie or drinking that glass of wine who can you ask that will actually know?

in the mean time i'd like to start a type one diabetics social kinda group for those over 18. i'm not exactly sure what it call it. not a support group, but i don't know if social is right either. anyway i think it would be hot. i'd call it shooters and pumpers. thats not a porno title. shooters pertains to the old school method of using syringens and pumpers to those on the pump. anyway, the objective would be to take a positive approach in coping with the frustrations of dealing with this disease in a safe space that fosters discussion of our struggles with others who truly understand without feeling judged or shamed. only problem is that there are probably like 2 people that would come since there probably aren't that many type oners around here.

anyway it took me a while to decide that nursing was the best outlet for what i'd like to accomplish. i was actually thinking health psychologist would better suit me, but while money is by far not everything to me, health insurance is. job placement and availability, salary, and benifits looked kinda grim whereas nursing was looking pretty fucking awesome in those catagories. plus, i can do some work abroad if i ever have the urge, and i most definitely will. one more thing, if one more person tells me "if you're going to be a nurse why not just be a doctor?" i'll kill them.

so there. now you know what i'm up to. also, as you already know everything with me is subject to change.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]